This is me right now:
Sighing with an uncomfortable twitch, followed by a big, nervous yawn, then cracking my knuckles, biting my upper lip, closing my eyes, added by another long sigh...
Okay, so I've decided to share an excerpt of my novel ---
"As We Greet With A Kiss".
This makes me a little nervous- well, very nervous, actually. I've always been one to slowly and painfully add one toe, then a foot and so on when I'm getting into water. I can't just jump right in and get it over with! No, it's gotta be a slow and excruciating process. So why would I be any different when it comes to sharing a piece of my 'baby' with my readers?
For an outline of what this novel is about you can read it here.
Below is a rough draft, as well as Blogger not allowing the right margins for this, so keep that in mind. I need to add more dialogue, I know. It hasn't come to me just yet. I'm grateful for the few people I can trust to help me with critiquing- I appreciate their help so far.
I'm taking a deep breath and peeking through half closed eyes as I'm sticking my pinkie toe into water...
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"Emily walked into the meeting with Jacobi in the lead- she heard Tucker’s voice of warning repeating over and over in her head, she felt as if she was disobeying Father already just by walking through the door. Regret covered her like a suffocating blanket and it became difficult for her to breathe.
Crossing the threshold into this area her body went cold. Dissonance and selfishness seemed to fill the air, and the eyes, of those she looked at. It was hard for Emily to understand how anyone could be comfortable here with these particular spirits. All gathered here seemed to be content, as did Jacobi. He seemed right at home in this place, with these people and showed no sign of feeling awkward as Emily did. This bothered Emily the most and she wanted to leave, to rush away from the ugly company without ever looking back- but talked herself out of it as soon as the thought came. She wanted Jacobi to know that she’d really go through with what she’d promised – giving it an honest try to understand his point of view. Emily knew she should have never accepted his invitation to investigate this for herself.
Many people gathered in small groups conversing with low voices amongst themselves. In the back of the room a giant wooden, half circle, table surrounded with high backed chairs that descended in height- the highest of all set in the middle- were empty.
Emily recognized Lucifer as he murmured with a small group of his own near the table- gazing at him for a moment- she shuddered unexplainably- like a reflex. As if he felt Emily’s stare, like boring a hole in him, Lucifer turned and looked right at her from across the room.
He was a handsome man, as good looking as any she’d ever met. His shoulder length brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail at the nap of his neck. He wore the same robes as others but had an added belt of shimmering royal blue wrapped around his waist along with a golden chain-like belt over the top of it. He dressed more extravagant than the rest of the crowd- her guess was he wanted to look much more distinctive than anyone else.
As he glared at an uncomfortable Emily, he gave a half smirk of condescending disgust. Looking away quickly, feeling embarrassed that she was caught gawking at him, distasteful remorse fill every inch of her. Emily knew Lucifer understood that she didn’t want to be here and also understood he wouldn’t come over to ask her to leave, or have anyone else ask either. Without question, she knew Lucifer wanted this chance for her to stay, to be convinced that his grand plan would help all his brothers and sisters, which he felt was superior to Fathers' plan. Lucifer had high hopes she, just like so many of her brothers and sisters, would be persuaded to join him too, for he desperately needed all the strong ones on his side.
The meeting officially began as one of Lucifer’s most loyal followers called everyone to attention, beating a gavel on the table.
"I’d like to introduce myself. I am First Captain Jerome and I will be conducting this meeting”.
Lucifer took his seat in the middle of the wooden crescent shaped table- the highest backed chair.
Another self- righteous act, Emily scoffed inwardly.
Captain Jerome, along with several other men, and a fretful woman scrambled to find their seats at the table. At first the beautiful woman tried to sit next to Lucifer, but a quick twitch of his eye sent her in search of a different seat. She slipped gracefully into a chair at the end of the table, obviously trying to hide her embarrassment.
Were they together? Was that his love?
It was hard for Emily to comprehend Lucifer loving anyone but himself. The slender woman’s dark violet eyes portrayed an obvious interest in Lucifer. Her airy raven black hair flowed to her knees but she wrapped her arm around it as a companion as she sat away from Lucifer.
Leaning closely to Jacobi, Emily whispered, “What’s her name? “
“Lilith” he said in response.
Emily watched Jacobi returning to his postured stance with admiration from the corners of her eyes - listening to every drop of poison pouring from the mouths of these serpents- and rolled her eyes at his seemingly blind obedience by his apparent loyal measures. It was obvious that Jacobi was anxious in what this meeting would conspire and she knew that he wanted her to stay, to give it a chance, to see if she could grasp the vision of Lucifer’s cause and why he was so eager to give his time and efforts to it.
As Emily tried to ignore the reports of Lucifer’s followers, she looked intently at Lilith, mesmerized at her exquisiteness- taken back at the thought that she could or would be a part of Lucifer’s plan. Someone as lovely as she would have her heart in the right place, you’d think. She was flawless and her radiance seemed to shine much brighter after she left Lucifer’s side. Emily cringed at the very thought of connecting herself to one like Lucifer who could be so critical, impertinent and callous.
At that thought, she looked around the room to gaze at the many souls that were in her company. Were they really considering what our selfish brother Lucifer and his cohorts had to say? Obviously, since they were here. And if I was present as well...where does that lead me or others to believe my alliances were?
A rotting knot in Emily’s abdomen began to fester as she thought of the ramifications she was allowing her soul to be up against. Allowing herself to be subject to the very evil designs she was so sure she was against- but allowing herself to follow under the cover that Jacobi, her twin, “needed her in this crucial time”.
A sudden ache to hide away in a corner, covering herself because of complete shame, filled her with weakness. Random thoughts of escaping deluded anything spoken by the dominant speakers at the front of the room, even though Emily could hear every blasphemous word uttered. She wanted out, to find a way to leave these miserable, sad and empty people. Yes, it was all her choice- but she knew the moment she showed hesitation her twin would try to stop and delay her from any rash decision making until after the meeting. If she made a big enough scene, she knew that others who were on Lucifer’s side would come to Jacobi’s rescue in persuading her to stay.
Emily felt completely trapped. Her heart began to beat faster, a feeling of panic set in, a feeling she hadn’t experienced before now.
Could I endure this? Could I stay here for who knows how long these agents were going to rally?
Emily’s heart fell into a deep despair- but as she felt the restlessness of her soul spiral out of control she remembered the beautiful lessons taught as a younger spirit, that when in need, ask for help from Him who gave life.
As if a lonesome pillar of light, shed for only her sake, Emily felt her desolation being relieved as she closed her eyes and uttered a silent but significant prayer. Her soul warmed as a fire of warmth and comfort spread through her whole being. From the top of her head to the tips of her fingers and toes was engulfed with the knowledge that she was safe. The spirit and love of God, her Father, was on fire in her being because she’d asked for it. Emily beamed with this power, a shell of protection surrounded her body as a defense against undesirable prey and there was nobody or nothing that could ever pull the gift away.
If Jacobi, or anyone else for that matter, were to touch her- she thought for sure they would instantly burn to stubble.
Slowly, Emily opened her eyes, finding the room silent. All eyes were upon her."
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Below are pictures of people that I envision look like my characters. Looking at these pictures helps me as I'm writing. I thought I'd share them with you.
EMILY
JACOBI {Emily's twin brother}
TUCKER {Emily's Boyfriend. I know, I know...the shirt off is totally not the look I'm going for. Imagine him wearing something! Focus on the FACE.} 
LUCIFER
CAPTAIN JEROME {Lucifer's follower}
LILITH
18 Royal Remarks:
Way to put it out there. I am intrigued. Good luck with it. As for dialog, it is hard, but my two favorite authors that seem to nail it right on are ORson Scott Card and Dean Koontz. Koontz can write several pages of dialog without even tagging it and becasue of the way he does it you know exactly who is talking. It is amazing. I hope to figure out someday.
Not to be too nit-picky and I realize you're putting yourself out there to post this but....
As I read this I can't help but think about motivations and I just don't see how this girl Emily can be so all-knowing that she understands that Lucifer and/or his plan is evil but all these other people don't get it. I mean, just logically, how could that be? Do you really think that's what it was like because I just don't think it can be that simple. If it's so easy for her to see wouldn't everyone else see it too? I mean I hope at some point in here you're going to engage in a deep intellectural discussion about how Satan's plan could work and that this Emily character is going to be somewhat persuaded by that plan. Otherwise I just don't think the tension is going to ring true at all.
And in conjunction with that I think you're going to have to really doctrinally get a handle on what you really believe about all of this because I don't think you've thought about it enough to write about it if you really think the situation was this simplistic.
This sounds like an interesting story. I'd like to read the whole thing and see how you work it out.
Keep up the good work Autumn.
autumn, i'm really liking it so far! remember me when you're famous- that i'm your favorite sister in law:) and i totally wouldn't mind reading an advanced copie to give you more ideas:) hehe, it's gonna be great!
Thank you, Berlin, Stephanie, Dan and Sharon for your encouraging and positive words. :)
I especially thank you, Dan, for your time in looking over manuscript pieces and sharing your POV. You've been invaluable to me.
I have a quote I love:
"God has plans for your writing. And believe me, they're better than any plans you have for yourself. Let Him be in charge, and let Him delight you with what He has in store."
- Virginia Smith
I beleive this with all my heart! I know He's helping me in this journey of writing. I feel it in my bones.
Now back to writing...
I like it!
I think that just like here on Earth, we love and trust our brothers and sisters and Lucifer, being one of our elder brothers, had great influence on us. We want to trust and love and believe in what our fellow bretheren say. Of course some siblings are closer than others and you would side with them over others on certain dealings even though it may be wrong. We can be deceived by those we love sometimes and hopefully it isn't intentional, however, I do think that Satan wanted power and if only he had followed our Father in Heaven, he probably would have been truly blessed here on Earth. But...he rebelled and 1/3 of the host of Heaven. I think Heavenly Father gave them as many chances as He possibly could before casting them out of Heaven. Many were decieved by Satan but they would not allow Heavenly Father to help them. They were "past feeling" in my opinion.
I think Autumn wrote it well, simple is good, if that is how you view it!
This is more random stuff than a comment on the overall story, Autumn. We've talked before about different premortal theories and I think we'll get more of a chance to discuss them in person.
First there's a typo in describing Lucifer's hair, the e is missing from nape.
Second, am I right that this is an excerpt from the middle somewhere and not the intro? If so I imagine that Tucker's specific warnings to Emily would be in a previous chapter and it might not be as necessary to use what he said again. If not, I come away from that paragraph wondering what the conversation(s) entailed. Was she alone? Was Jacobi present? Did Jacobi offer counter-arguments? Will she flashback to these later?
Third, I found your reference to the Lilith legend in naming the woman seated at the table delightful.
The rest of the things I'm thinking about right now are kind of random bits where the sentence flow seems off a bit to me, but it could just be my own structure preferences.
Two examples:
"She slipped gracefully into a chair at the end of the table, obviously trying to hide her embarrassment."
When I read this, I wondered if it made more sense to write "trying to hide her obvious embarrassment" instead of "obviously trying".
" It was obvious that Jacobi was anxious in what this meeting would conspire and she knew that he wanted her to stay, to give it a chance, to see if she could grasp the vision of Lucifer’s cause and why he was so eager to give his time and efforts to it."
I'm not sure that a meeting can be what conspires something. The group could conspire in the meeting or something could transpire in the meeting. Conspiracy could be a meeting's yield, used as a noun instead of a verb.
Jacobi's anxiety in this sentence seems like it should be "about" the meeting rather than "in" the meeting.
It also looks like this could be broken into more than one sentence. I think that would make her analysis of his motivations more powerful, separating them from her assessment of his mood.
Gawrsh, this comment is long and probably has too much red penning in it, thanks to my [I can't express myeslf without swearing] editorial eyes. I'm really excited for you and your writing future. You know I love you, right?
I read a lot of books, and usualy can tell if the book is going to get me hooked within the first few pages!!!
I have read all this word for word and I am hooked, I want to know what happens!!!!!
SO WELL DONE, I admire you!!!!!
Hey Autumn -
Interesting premise, I admire you for sharing your work. I look forward to hearing more about how the writing is going.
Helena- you can follow me around and keep saying that over and over again if you'd like. I know I would!
I know you love me, Tea- I will take your edits into condideration. :)
Thanks, Geri, I too am interested to read what happens! Oh, man that means I have to write it first. haha
PS- just so my readers know this is not the beginning of my book- AT ALL. I just chose a piece that I liked to share on my blog. There's much more background, conversation etc... to lead to this scene.
Courtney, my sweet Courtney, thank you for your insight. I happen to agree with you 100%.
I'm happy you like what I wrote. You make me smile! I appreciate your rebuttle, as well. :) As you know and I would hope others would understand- this novel I'm writing is FICTION, pure fiction.
Thank you for having the courage to put your art out front to see. It takes strength of heart to own who you are,even in fiction!
It is easy for us to tell you what we think what we'd do and say, but the truth of the matter is, you are the master. The characters you have created are just as complex as you. The personalities are blooming and will be both loved and hated!
I loved reading comments and noted those who have the courage to "own up" to their opinions. Looks like you got a nice little following going.
Keep it up! I can't wait to read more!
I think we are having spaghetti tonight for dinner w/cheese sticks.
Tiffany, you are my #1 cheerleader! Thank you!
Rachel, you're retarded! Of all the things you could say?
OK I finally got a chance to read the whole post (and the resulting comments) and now I can comment...as long as no serious fights break out behind me.
I agree a bit with all of the comments...except for maybe the dinner menu. :)
I was wondering what your target audience was? I'm picturing readers who are looking for fictional escape or young teens looking for something to give them a bit of a jump in their testimonies. As was pointed out by an unknown commenter, you likely haven't based it on a lot of doctrine. That's OK if you're not aiming in that direction. You give enough to make a person wonder. They can do some investigating on their own if that happens.
I admit that when I first heard about your general theme, I wasn't too sure about it's strength. Personally, I'm not sold on premortal settings for fiction, but your story itself seems interesting.
You're developing some interesting characters. If we, as readers, start to care for the characters, we're usually willing to forgive weaknesses in other areas of the book.
I'm sure you have a lot of other interesting things going on with this book as you have only shared a small portion.
It has a lot of potential! Take the critisms (good, bad and ugly) and see how you can use them in your writing. Good luck!
I kind of wish I were you, but it's not a good time in my life for writing. (I can't even keep my faithful blog readers satisfied!)
Arlyn- Your comment is constructive for me- thanks! I need several views to make a well rounded novel. ;) Of course, not everyone will like what I write- that's impossible. But I need to know what otheres think so I can write the best I can.
This novel is FICTION. Period. A figment of Autumn's imagination. I LOVE imaging what the pre-existence was like. I enjoy reading things that have to do with the pre-existence. For me, this novel is what piques my interest- therefore I'm excited to write about it.
With that said- I've had three very, very, very well known LDS authors as well as the main editor for Deseret Book- express that writing about the pre-existence is tricky and should be done very delicatly. And that maybe I should try writing about its 'concepts' and not so literal.
I've decided to go with writing about it literally. I'm trying to write about it delicatly but we'll see. I just know what's in my heart and mind and I need to get it out on paper. If it's a hit great, if not at least I wrote what's in my heart. That's how I view it anyway. :)
Autumn, I'm interested in reading about the premortal existence literally - as you want to do it - not just as a concept. I think this is something many members think about - what was it like? And it's interesting to think that maybe someone really close to us - like a twin or good friend or close sibling in premortality is our little devil sitting on our shoulder now... i think we might also have a little angel sitting on the other side who knew us just as well - is that Tucker in mortality i wonder?
anyways, it's interesting that Jacobi - her brother is her main "devil" b/c the sexes - they think so differently - and that is just an interesting play into sin i think - having your "devil" be a boy not a girl. leaves me with something to think about. thanks for sharing your work with me. :-) Melissa
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